GCMJM

I think that i have to learn to live life as it comes. I should stop having expectations and stop day dreaming. Start living the now rather than living... what might not be, Living in the future. Living the future 'what you expect for the future' will only lead to a lot of disappointment... well not always but you just forget to live fully now. I find myself questioning myself time and again, 'why isnt this like that?' 'why hasnt it happened?!' , 'will it be?'... so stressful!! Ive to learn to be truely happy for what i already have and to start having faith and strength in believing that what i have is indeed good and that i have it way better than anyone out there. I know that i am a fortunate individual but i fail time and again count my blessings and realise that i have alot to smile about. My problem is that i anticipate too much in my overworked brain. I think too much when i can clearly be thinking less and take things as they are.... no

Its been quite awhile since i last blogged. Since i have time now, i shall update this thing before cobwebs start accumulating. Yesterday was interesting. So we went for tea at goodwood park hotel with the grandma, aunty, mom, sister and her husband and me and W.  The only thing i can say is, thank god there were 2 cars. It was an afternoon filled with pretence.... i feel. People being nice for the sake of being nice. I'm just glad its over and done with. After tea, we proceeded to grandmas place, where we met another aunty and her 'husband'? and her 2 dogs. Again, it was fake smiles and there was a weird feeling in the air. Honestly i don't ever want to be in the same scenario ever again. SO FAKE! Enough about fake people. so it was W's dad's bday yesterday too. So they invited me to join them for dinner. We went to the meridians, spices cafe. Not too bad i think. it was an all you can eat buffet. half a  lobster each person, as much crab as you can ea

Things are getting more stressful at work. more staying back more log-booking, more project meetings and more studying for the upcoming competency. How can one juggle so much? Do they think i am a robot? ok maybe they just think im very capable..  Its just very stressful. Very tiring. Very Very Tiring. This rotation has proven to be the opposite from what i expected it to be. Im actually loving it more than i thought i would. Ive made so many good friends in this rotation that i wanna just remain here forever. And i think this wld be my posing anyway since im performing up-to-standard... i think. Everything else has been going smooth so far and im thankful! The only minor set back, is a minor sore throat and sneezes.. other than that, life has been pretty good. I was supposed to go to universal studios on sunday but decided against it as character dining only happens once weekly on sats! So we've decided it wld be smarter to just go on a sat. Went to try the oh-so-raved abo

There are some things that are beyond your control and you just have to conform if not .... you're screwed.  If i cant finish work on time cause something happened that just means i cant. its not school anymore... its work. im getting paid for this. ok enough about this. its frustrating. On a better brighter note. i dont have to tell people awkwardly tt we arn't tgt  when they ask if we are from now on. Cause we are ! yay! im glad we are keeping it down low anyhow.. more publicity means more haters and more haters means more trouble, more trouble means ..... well... trouble. Store rotation has been fun. Slack to the max and the uncles there are soooooo nice! Love it there. I literally go to work happy. Why cant everyone be like that at work? And lastly, im going to the zoo tmr! cant wait! Freeeeeee entry cause i managed to ballot successfully for the pass. cant wait cant wait. but sadly the pandas are at a diff area ... only accessible by river safari which is another

Funny how things work. I recall the past relationship i had... i recall being devastated that it ended. I felt that life was cruel and that everything was against me. I hated how i felt. Didnt have an appetite, didnt wanna go out, didnt even wanna listen to music. I was basically depressed. Now, i look back! I laugh! I shld have been the happiest person on the planet. To be able to get out of such a shit relationship and realise i deserve much more than a shit person.  I was lucky to get out of that rutt. If i didnt realise sooner ... i would hv carried on and still be in that rutt. Im thankful shit happened. If not for the shit that happened i would not have met him today. I wouldnt have known what this happiness felt like. I Would not have realised that being treated like a princess was a possibility. I guess not all bad things that happen are bad. Some bad things happen just so u find something more awsome . Something u deserve more.

Was lucky to get a 1 and a half day proj time off today. Decided to go have lunch with him ... we ended up at Prive at Keppel island. Reminds me of Brisbane... somewhat. Thereafter, we walked to vivo city and had starbucks.. chatted abit and walked abit. Introduced him to boost juice, got a blend of (pineapple,orange,ginger and mango) juice. He was a lil afraid of trying the ginger bit but did it anyway. After trying it.... it was all good!. Some not so nice things happened and he had to explain some things to me. Seems like he is really not the kind to see things from my perspective.

So just some updates on whats going on. He asked me out on Friday night... basically saying that his friends were going to hang out at pasir ris park and if i would like to join in. So......... if u don't already know... im not all that sociable. I don't do very well with new people. BUT i could tell from his texts that he really wanted me to be there to meet them. Like he thought it was about time for them to meet me and me them..... kinda ... i think. I also felt that he thought that it was important to see me get along with his friends first as a deciding factor if we could progress on with anything.... if any. So i went. And so i met new people. They were okay... i guess. Friendly. Only one of em' i wasn't too impressed with. Thereafter he asked if i was free after sending ALL of them home. Of coz say free la... siao or what. So we went to ECP and we both got coffees. All hyped up and energised we walked to the jetty and he wanted to throw me over =/. yuppp

Date 2 So he picked me and opened the door for me again. I like that, cause i think the little things matter most. We went to carl's jr for supper, i wasn't too hungry so i just had a milkshake. Thereafter, we went to catch iron man at Vivo city. I think it was't as good a show as i expected it to be cause of the better marvel shows prior. So after that we decided to go have an ice milo at Bapok area and he took me to this broadwalk next to changi beach club. Was a nice walk, but the air was too still.... no breeze nothing! but still a nice walk. He then sent me home and kissed me... ahhhhh.....sucha gentlemen....... i saw unicorns =) Anyway, i like how things are moving slowly... i needa get used to being close to someone again after all these years... its not that simple. I still hold back a lot when im out .. maybe cause we've only just started this going-out thing... I still feel bad when he pays for stuff... idk y. I just cant feel good about people pay

Although it has been a tiring week.. Studying for forensics exam and going on ICU rounds. It has still been a wonderful week. Theres is definitely a skip in my step. Haven't been happier. Going for the holistic fair with the cousin tmr and hopefully be able to go to the temple to give some thanks and pray to be smarter cause i really need some more brain.

Probably the simplest but easily the best date ive been on.

I think im probably at my highest point right now and nothing and i mean nothing can bring me down. He told me he likes me!!! Yay!!! Smile until cheeks cram..

I think that it is crystal clear that a person isn't interested in you if they don't speak to you over the weekend or make any plans with you for the weekend. I refuse to make anymore excuses for this cause honestly... ure really not working during this time and you have all the time in the world. I know i didn't wanna give up and i know that i have come this far to give it all up is just a waste.... but... i cant come up with anymore excuses to explain your behaviour to myself. you may have been sweet, but who knows, you might be equally sweet to everyone too and what sets me apart from the rest? Time to let this all go... slowly but surely.

So the long awaited trip to japan is now over. It was good fun! Good food, good shopping and best of all, i got to visit various temples and shrines. Made wishes and rang bells! Spending my birthday at disneyland was the highlight. Havent been happier! Was the BEST DAY EVER! anyway........ Many things have happened since. I finally met him in person.... unplanned.... unintentional I remember setting a time-frame as to when i'd give up on this if he didnt ask me out before a certain time. I recall my time frame being the end of april. I try to think of it this way, but i dont know if what im thinking will eventually drive me nuts... so here are the reasons why i think the deadline was met and it was just time to meet. 1. the universe has something planned for me 2. my prayers have been heard? 3. things happen for a reason? 4. Fate? (cant really call it fate can i? his pain my happiness?) haha The 4 points above = wishful thinking. They indicate that things are progre

I an Queen of Procrastination. No one deserves the title more than me. I have these things to do, Pack for japan Do up my case study for Monday Study for law exam charge my ipad. I have done 1/8 of packing.  Have written notes for case study but not neaten it up and familiarised myself with it I have started page one of the law for meds. I haven't charged my ipad.  Me winner !!!  Today has been damn warm,... sit down also can sweat... shit man.. i hate the cold but complain of the hot. yes, me weird. I need to sit down and study, but cant seem to do that. i would do anything but study.. eat, sleep, walk around, watch tv, maybe pack a little. anything but study. Then, last min will chiong like no tmr. And ok, i finally GIVE UP! This is final. I'm not going to pursue this stupid game anymore. i need my normal life back. i will not entertain anymore. i will not wait anymore. i will not be patient and believe anymore. I'm done being an idiot

Had to read 2 geriatric articles today. Almost fell asleep standing. Also sat in for one of the wards multi-disciplinary meetings today, ALONE! So much trust they have in me huh.... So at this point in time, it seems almost impossible.... but when i choose to give up, you always re-appear. maybe the lesson in this is to learn to let go. All hope isn't lost, its just that I'm impatient and that i want answers now. Good things come to those who wait.. Really??.. idk. Its best i let go and leave you to what you're doing. if things happen then they happen, if nothing happens. I'm just gonna leave it be... after all i think Ive made myself crystal clear. Im not putting in anymore effort.. its all you now.

stuff this! My patience has run dry

Again you choose to talk to me, be sweet and vanish. Your kite flying skills very good... very goood indeed..

Playing the waiting game again. Cant keep up with this, its really taking too much of mind space. On one occasion it seems like everything is going perfectly fine, advancing and blossoming.... then the waiting game begins and everything falls apart in my mind. What exactly are you doing to me? No one shall make me feel this way, absolutely no one! You come and go as and when you please. Not cool, not cool. Im gonna give up. cause if u dont put in the effort, why should i? if u dont care, why should i either? okay, from today, i'll put you in the dark room in my head. if u want to be where you once were in my head, you'd better work for it.

Each time i feel like giving up , for some reason something would happen to make me change my mind. What are you telling me world? wanna be cruel to me again ah?

Moving on

I think prayers manifest in opportunities presenting themselves to you... you then have to connect the dots to make it happen. I do not believe in fate, i believe in making things happen. But when it comes to making things happen, im a coward sometimes. HAAHAHA I will give myself till sunday and thereafter im not going to put anymore thought into this dilema. Its mentally and physically draining having to think of the 'why not's?'. Im not going to put myself through that, and so, this sunday , its make or break. Why did i get myself into this ? such PAIN!

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice Dug my way out, Blood and fire Bad decisions, That's alright Welcome to my silly life Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down Mistaken, Always second guessing Under estimated, Look, I'm still around Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than less than perfect. Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing You are perfect to me. You're so mean, When you talk, About yourself, You were wrong. Change the voices, In your head Make them like you Instead. So complicated, Look happy, You'll make it! Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game. It's enough, I've done all I can think of Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same. Oh, Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than less than perfect. [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-lyrics-pink.html ] Pretty, pre

Maybe its because i'm shallow =/

treating people like shit is wrong. however shit they may be, still cannot. Note to self: cant be mean to people, cause one day you might need their help and it would just be plain weird asking for help from someone u were mean to. So between choosing the dead end and asking for help, i'd rather choose the dead end although i want very much to ask for help. But thats me, face very important. So dont be mean, for one day, you might need some lobang from someone you were mean to previously =D

Work has been interesting so far. I don't find myself resenting work yet and that is a good sign. There is so much to learn and memorise but i guess it will all come in good time. I have made many new friends and that is a plus point as well. The only thing that is bad about working is that i feel that i have absolutely no life at all. I hope things will change soon. The only thing keeping me going is the thought of my annual leave in April. Japan here i come. cherry blossoms here i come too... at long last. Ive always wanted to visit japan during cherry blossom season but never got to doing so all these years. Finally this year!!! I am feeling slightly better now. I have had time to think and open my eyes to see that there are better guys out there with both intelligence and looks. People i can actually have an intellectual conversation with without having to explain certain concepts to. I will remain patient and take one step at a time.. i have to anyway, what other choice

Stop sulking, start mingling. Sucks to be single for all this time now. Work isnt gonna make things better. Should have made better use of my younger days... ahhh no point too... dating was 'frowned' upon. And look where i am at now.. single and not even dating. JOKE of my life lah. so, work has started. Very routine i say. Get up, get cleaned, go to work, wait for lunch, go back to work, wait to go back, have dinner, go home, go bathe, go sleep. the cycle repeats. No life i swear. I have got to start going out with friends, mixing around alot more and stop staying home. Not getting me anywhere. Just making me a sadder person. This shall be my mission for 2013. 'Go out, stop staying home.' Alot had happened in 2012. Mostly towards the end. Some sad stuff some not so sad stuff. But my take on 2012. it was a BS year for me and i hope 2013 wont suck as bad. ok....bai.